the self

The sight of a blank blogpost makes me nervous.  I haven't been able to write in a while.  I'm feeling a bit disillusioned with the internet at the moment.  I'm also feeling less desire to record the events around here. I'm not sure why, but that's how it is.

I haven't taken any pictures in over a month.  How strange.  Things are just going along as normal.  We haven't had time to do any really fun stuff.  I stopped babysitting last week and I'm still adjusting to this break.  I also started working for a friend of mine and I've been enjoying doing some learning for the first time in a while.

We continue to struggle with outbursts, radical moodiness and unpredictability with our oldest.  She is wired in such a way that I don't know how to handle her.  I did take her to the Dr. to try to rule out blood sugar problems, her blood sugar was fine even first thing in the morning with no breakfast.  So, now I am trying to decide if it's bad enough for therapy.  Some days it is totally fine and others it is just unreal how out of control she can be.  I feel bad for her. The other girls are starting to copy her behaviors a lot and that really bothers me.

I'm working hard to stop blaming myself for faults in my children.  I also have to stop blaming parents in general for faults in their children.  It's hard to balance that with the fact that we do as parents have a huge influence on our kids.  But, in the end they are human and they will make mistakes.  It's not my fault just like it's not their fault that I sometimes lose control.  I have a lot to learn still.

I have a Kindergarten Screening for KM today.  I'm feeling conflicted.  Excited, nostalgic and sad.

And I wish my house looked awesome instead of messy and scattered.