Should I go back to work?

Typical Mommy during a day at home.

I have stayed at home almost exclusively for the last 13 years. I love my girls, love my husband and have gotten a lot of joy out of being here for them. But, I do feel a little lost at times. A little unsure of who I am outside of the "mom" role. I started to think about what I'd like to do last year when I was home alone during the days for the first time.

2004 - very focused SAHM

Last year I volunteered teaching English, at the kid's school as much as they'd let me, went to PTO meetings and even briefly volunteered to lead the middle school PTO this year. That was before I realized that was crazy and would totally overwhelm me.

While those things were good, this year I felt I was ready to get back to work and focus more on a career. After trying out teaching last year, I knew that was not the direction for this introvert to head. Did you know that kid's talk to their teachers? Like, ALL DAY? And then the grown ups talk to each other and the parents talk to the teachers.... And then I come home to 3 talkers and then Matt gets home and would like to talk. I love talking - really. Just not all day long. I need some quiet, some "no one is talking to me" time. Anyways, I decided to pursue an accounting focused job and then decide if perhaps adding some accounting classes to my resume would be a good plan.

I found a great position about 20 minutes from home.  Full time with not much flex in the schedule but lots of learning potential and some great people to work with. I interviewed on the phone and then in person twice. I figured that I was either a shoe-in or there was someone more qualified that didn't care about making much money (it didn't pay that well).

Got my "interview" self all ready!

The kids were a little excited for me actually. The youngest was super excited about going to after school daycare and anxiously asked me each day if I had heard about the job. My middle schooler was incensed. Seriously, I was going to make her walk home? And I really didn't like the idea of her home alone each day for the afternoon. She hasn't ever done that so it would be pretty radical.

And me? I was excited and terrified and my self-confidence issues all came racing to the surface of my everyday life while I waited to hear back. The questions of "Can I do this?", "Am I good enough?", "Can I work and still be a Mom?", "What will have to give?" and more.

I emailed the company and found out that I hadn't gotten the position. Queue the relief. Honestly, it would be such a huge change and there would be so many sacrifices - it just didn't feel like the right time. But, I still felt this sort of - What Now? Who am I then? Is being a Mom going to be enough? What else is there to me?

I think a lot of Moms struggle with those questions - if not the first few years, perhaps after about 10 years of staying at home. (So, if you don't think it yet, you just might in a few more years.) I honestly didn't struggle with it nearly as much when I had toddler hugs every few minutes, or a mountain of baby related tasks to conquer just so my kids didn't die. I felt important and definitely needed. I didn't want anyone else to do that job.

Now, it's harder. I don't always feel like doing all those jobs that make me useful to this family. I don't really want to clean the floors again, load the dishwasher, make dinner, wash clothes or make those lovely after school treats.

So - here I should end with some kind of happy, I figured out the solution, moment. Hmmm....

I can say - I volunteered at my girls' school yesterday and I felt better than I have in weeks. I felt useful. The tasks were easy but rewarding. Being in the school lifts my spirits. The kids are happy, the teachers are friendly, the school is awesome. And knowing that my girls can still count on me to bring forgotten tennis shoes to school, take them to Dr's appointments, pick them up for lunch on special days, pray for them throughout the day, pick them up from school, talk to them after school, take them to piano lessons, have playdates at our house and not be too busy for them makes it worth it. This is still my job. It's not time to split my attentions. They still need me and are still learning who they are.

I am choosing to be thankful for the time to devote to them. And acknowledging that some days it is a choice and some days it is the deepest feeling in my soul.

 I'm thankful for the days at home to capture memories like these:

Sisters being silly together.

My sweet Belle.

My bumble bee.

Don't give up - lessons from my workout

Some days workouts bring out all kinds of emotions. I pushed through Piyo Core, but not without a few tears. 

It's so tempting to give up, to call it a day when workouts, life or kids are challenging.

I get even more discouraged as I realize how trivial my "challenges" are, and why in the world can't I just choose JOY?  Right, it's just not that easy.  I drift further and further into my pity pond, and can't quite make good choices.  And it all happens so quickly it seems.  One week is super fantabulous, and then the next is horrendous.

Yesterday I completely crashed.  I got slammed in the face with my failures, insecurities and shortcomings and I wasn't prepared.  I succumbed.  I hid in my room and instructed the children to parent themselves for the afternoon.  (They responded surprisingly well to that suggestion.)

Strangely enough, it was watching an episode of What Not to Wear that lifted my spirits, combined with an hour by myself while Matt took the girls out for dinner.  I watched someone else be transformed from a frumpy assistant with no confidence into someone who saw the beauty in herself.  It encouraged me to do the same.  But, on the inside.

So, here's to a new day.  A workout completed.  A grocery list done.  A quiet house for a few more hours.  Dinner planned and an unscheduled rest of the week.  

Blessings abound!

It's not about me

Ok - so still working on that good old fear of failure.

But, I'm seeing huge progress! I am being bold and finding a passion for what I'm doing.

I started working for Beachbody so that when someone decides they want to make changes in either their physical self or their nutrition, I have the tools and resources to help them.  I help them find the right exercise program (there are over 20 to choose from!), stick to a healthy eating plan and support them along the way.  I get a small commission off of any programs or supplements they buy, but that's it.  

I am challenged to really encourage others to take control of their life in a very tangible way and in turn help them focus on spiritual things with a more clear mind.  It is very hard to live your life with love and compassion when you don't even like yourself or what you see in the mirror every day.

I am loving seeing my current clients feel better, happier and more successful every day!

Yesterday my new client said - "had my shake, did my workout and feeling great!"  Day 1 of her new program and I'm so excited for her.

My other client has been working through her program for 1 month already.  She's so excited that she can feel herself getting stronger and sees improvement as she nails a workout she struggled with just a few weeks earlier.

Don't let your fear of failure stop you from trying something bold to change your life!

Commit to something small.  The brand new workout program from Beachbody is called "21 Day Fix".  This is a program that will give you results in just 3 weeks.  Try it out!  Or go for a more focused core workout to enhance your whole life.  You will find that it's not as hard as you think.  That you can find 30 minutes at least to devote to exercise.  

You are SO worth it!  

Comment below with "Tell me more!" if you want to join me!

Afraid of failure

Shoot.

It happened again.

I started to give up before I'd even started.

I have struggled as long as I can remember with giving up.  I have a list of about 2 things that I've ever stuck with, finished and become good at.  I need to focus on that tiny list and making it larger.  But, my own issues pull me down every time.

I just get started with something.  Let's see, crocheting, accounting, computer programming, piano and on and on and then - bam!  I find someone better than me.  Someone who has either succeeded easily and quickly or who worked hard and is seeing great results - and I give up.  Why bother?  They already did it.

Gets me every time.

I end up in a sad, sad place of disappointment, failure and self pity.

It's totally lame.  Do you ever end up there?

There truly is only one place I can find any relief and promise of true transformation in this area.   My savior.  He is the only one who offers me unconditional acceptance and the energy and power to change this in me.

I have several new things on my plate at the moment.  Things I'm oh so ready to give up and drop.  It would be so much easier, I tell myself.  My life would be so much calmer and I could revert to my introverted, solitary, safe place.  And I'd have….  not much.

So - today I am choosing faith.  We can rely on the power of Christ to keep going.  To persevere. To not give up until we absolutely CANNOT go on.  To pray for doors to close in our face to keep us from going.  I will go.

I will continue.

I will work hard and find success in the process.  Join me?

Booyah!

Trust, Faith and Moving

Well, the update is...  there is no update.

Okay - there sortof is, the house is on the market.  We are coming up on 2 weeks.  We've had 15 showings and no takers.  Seriously?  And my house is looking pretty darn fine.

We are looking at homes in Colorado but really can't do much until our house sells.

So, we wait.

The main thing I'm noticing is, I don't like waiting. This is a major strain for me.  I have no idea why it is so hard, except that I love to plan.  I love to plan out my days, weeks, months. At this point, I can't plan much.  I don't know our moving date, I don't know which town we will move to, and I really can't see how it will all work out.

I find myself filled with fear.  I was greatly encouraged by a blog post from Elizabeth Curry.  While she was blogging about fear related to parenting an adopted child, the feelings I'm having are very similar.  And the solution is to trust God.  Not to just trust him a little, but to trust him FULLY.  I believe the true faith-filled response would be to have no worry and to continue on knowing that he will guide your steps and make your paths straight.

Wow - is that hard.

And I fail at it nearly every day - even though I can think of numerous examples in my own life where God has been present.  Plus, I can find an infinite numbers of examples in other's lives where God was present.

I hear my mother's voice, "What's the worst thing that can happen?"  Um, we could be homeless?  Not really.  We could lose a lot of money?  Happened before, never looked back.  We could struggle with relying on God?  Yep.  And we need that struggle to rely on him more fully than before.

Amen to that!

On another note:  Why is my realtor calling my house a "Pottery Barn Gem?"

You decide.