this is not going to be easy

For the last 2 years I have been watching a little boy.  He was 9 months when he started coming and is now 2 1/2 yrs old. At first he came just 3 days a week and then the last 6 months or so he has come almost full time.

I've made the decision to stop watching him starting next Fall and I'm amazed how hard this is.  Turns out I've fallen in love with this little guy.  The last few months he has been in a terrible stage of independence, aggression and will power.  It's totally appropriate especially considering that his mom was about to have a baby but it was very hard.  Katherine and he would just fight and fight most of the time. I complained a bit about it to anyone who would listen.

But, now that he's home with his family and the new baby has come (yay!), I find I miss him greatly.  His mom says that he views himself as a part of our family.  Turns out, so do we. He loves seeing Matt and demands hugs anytime Katherine is getting one. He called me Mommy until just recently - which did make outings easier but always made me a little uneasy.  I knew I wouldn't watch him forever so I didn't want to really love him as much as one of my own.

But, I do love him.  I do care about him.  And right now, I'm heartbroken about breaking this special connection we have.  Oh, we'll still see him. I thought his mom might refuse to speak to me ever again but she is understanding and compassionate. She has also become a close friend.

I'm so thankful for all the time I've been able to spend with this special guy.  I'm going to miss him.

the self

The sight of a blank blogpost makes me nervous.  I haven't been able to write in a while.  I'm feeling a bit disillusioned with the internet at the moment.  I'm also feeling less desire to record the events around here. I'm not sure why, but that's how it is.

I haven't taken any pictures in over a month.  How strange.  Things are just going along as normal.  We haven't had time to do any really fun stuff.  I stopped babysitting last week and I'm still adjusting to this break.  I also started working for a friend of mine and I've been enjoying doing some learning for the first time in a while.

We continue to struggle with outbursts, radical moodiness and unpredictability with our oldest.  She is wired in such a way that I don't know how to handle her.  I did take her to the Dr. to try to rule out blood sugar problems, her blood sugar was fine even first thing in the morning with no breakfast.  So, now I am trying to decide if it's bad enough for therapy.  Some days it is totally fine and others it is just unreal how out of control she can be.  I feel bad for her. The other girls are starting to copy her behaviors a lot and that really bothers me.

I'm working hard to stop blaming myself for faults in my children.  I also have to stop blaming parents in general for faults in their children.  It's hard to balance that with the fact that we do as parents have a huge influence on our kids.  But, in the end they are human and they will make mistakes.  It's not my fault just like it's not their fault that I sometimes lose control.  I have a lot to learn still.

I have a Kindergarten Screening for KM today.  I'm feeling conflicted.  Excited, nostalgic and sad.

And I wish my house looked awesome instead of messy and scattered.