Should I go back to work?

Typical Mommy during a day at home.

I have stayed at home almost exclusively for the last 13 years. I love my girls, love my husband and have gotten a lot of joy out of being here for them. But, I do feel a little lost at times. A little unsure of who I am outside of the "mom" role. I started to think about what I'd like to do last year when I was home alone during the days for the first time.

2004 - very focused SAHM

Last year I volunteered teaching English, at the kid's school as much as they'd let me, went to PTO meetings and even briefly volunteered to lead the middle school PTO this year. That was before I realized that was crazy and would totally overwhelm me.

While those things were good, this year I felt I was ready to get back to work and focus more on a career. After trying out teaching last year, I knew that was not the direction for this introvert to head. Did you know that kid's talk to their teachers? Like, ALL DAY? And then the grown ups talk to each other and the parents talk to the teachers.... And then I come home to 3 talkers and then Matt gets home and would like to talk. I love talking - really. Just not all day long. I need some quiet, some "no one is talking to me" time. Anyways, I decided to pursue an accounting focused job and then decide if perhaps adding some accounting classes to my resume would be a good plan.

I found a great position about 20 minutes from home.  Full time with not much flex in the schedule but lots of learning potential and some great people to work with. I interviewed on the phone and then in person twice. I figured that I was either a shoe-in or there was someone more qualified that didn't care about making much money (it didn't pay that well).

Got my "interview" self all ready!

The kids were a little excited for me actually. The youngest was super excited about going to after school daycare and anxiously asked me each day if I had heard about the job. My middle schooler was incensed. Seriously, I was going to make her walk home? And I really didn't like the idea of her home alone each day for the afternoon. She hasn't ever done that so it would be pretty radical.

And me? I was excited and terrified and my self-confidence issues all came racing to the surface of my everyday life while I waited to hear back. The questions of "Can I do this?", "Am I good enough?", "Can I work and still be a Mom?", "What will have to give?" and more.

I emailed the company and found out that I hadn't gotten the position. Queue the relief. Honestly, it would be such a huge change and there would be so many sacrifices - it just didn't feel like the right time. But, I still felt this sort of - What Now? Who am I then? Is being a Mom going to be enough? What else is there to me?

I think a lot of Moms struggle with those questions - if not the first few years, perhaps after about 10 years of staying at home. (So, if you don't think it yet, you just might in a few more years.) I honestly didn't struggle with it nearly as much when I had toddler hugs every few minutes, or a mountain of baby related tasks to conquer just so my kids didn't die. I felt important and definitely needed. I didn't want anyone else to do that job.

Now, it's harder. I don't always feel like doing all those jobs that make me useful to this family. I don't really want to clean the floors again, load the dishwasher, make dinner, wash clothes or make those lovely after school treats.

So - here I should end with some kind of happy, I figured out the solution, moment. Hmmm....

I can say - I volunteered at my girls' school yesterday and I felt better than I have in weeks. I felt useful. The tasks were easy but rewarding. Being in the school lifts my spirits. The kids are happy, the teachers are friendly, the school is awesome. And knowing that my girls can still count on me to bring forgotten tennis shoes to school, take them to Dr's appointments, pick them up for lunch on special days, pray for them throughout the day, pick them up from school, talk to them after school, take them to piano lessons, have playdates at our house and not be too busy for them makes it worth it. This is still my job. It's not time to split my attentions. They still need me and are still learning who they are.

I am choosing to be thankful for the time to devote to them. And acknowledging that some days it is a choice and some days it is the deepest feeling in my soul.

 I'm thankful for the days at home to capture memories like these:

Sisters being silly together.

My sweet Belle.

My bumble bee.

The Water Park Birthday Party

This party was a HUGE hit!  It was a wonderful hot day and our yard was filled with fun water-based activities.

My plan of action for themed parties is to get a couple good ideas, scale them back and then throw in a few original thoughts of my own.

I tried to use Pinterest to help me get started...  I think I am the only 30-something suburban Mom who dislikes Pinterest.  It makes me see what I could do - if only I had a whole lot more skill, time and creativity.  It makes me feel bad, just bad.  Sorry, but that is the truth.  I did use one idea from my Water Party board - I tried the tie-dye shirt (with a bandana).  Let me just say, it didn't look like the picture.  At all.

So, I actually found this link the most useful for an organized, but slightly creatively stunted person like myself.  It's just a long paragraph explaining how they planned their party.  Perfect!  I took a lot of their great ideas and made them work in our much smaller yard and party.

I first made signs for each of the "attractions" and labeled each area.  The Super Jump was our water balloon filled trampoline.  I had planned on 500 water balloons.  I'm not sure we made it to that many, but Matt and the girls worked on filling water balloons for most of the morning before the party.

The party included stations:  trampoline, slip n' slide, water slide, fishing pond, drinks, tattoos and bandana painting.  It was enough to keep the kids moving from one thing to the other and not bored.  We also had pizza and cake, plus popsicles to keep everyone cool.  It was a super fun party!

This photo doesn't capture her catapulting off the end of the slide and almost into the fence.  It was awesome!

I made these cute squirt bottles for the kids to play with at the party and then take home after.  I'll do a quick tutorial next week!  Easy peasy and they were used a ton.

And a few party pictures to show the whole thing in action.

Most of all it was the smile on my brand new 7 year old's face that made it worth it. She got a bit jilted last year since we were moving on her birthday and the years before that she didn't really have enough of her own friends to have a party.  Plus, her birthday is at the end of the summer and a lot of friends are forgotten, have moved or are traveling.  We were so thankful that almost all her closest friends were able to come.

Comparing yourself

Anyone else do this?  I thought comparing myself to others was bad but since I've had kids it has taken on a whole new flavor.

It's SUPER easy to compare your kids and your family to someone else.  Both positively and negatively.

I talk to other moms and I swear their kids do not fight like mine do.  They do not nod their head in agreement as I describe the level of cruelty I hear on a daily basis.

My strongest desire as a Mom is to see my kids get along.  And yet, I feel I have the worst kids in that regard.  I'm working hard to stop focusing so hard on it and start focusing on being kind to them myself.

Dang - finger points back at self...  I definitely struggle with kindness, patience and showing love in all situations.  And I am horrified when I see those same struggles in my kids.

So - here enters grace.  God's grace covers me for all those shortcomings and it also COMPLETELY covers my kids. And I must model grace to them.  So, I will step back, take a deep breath and calmly tell them to cut it out, love each other and then I will force them to hug.  Because I think that just might work.

Plus, pictures like this are good reminders that my girls really do love each other.

From Goodwill to the garage to her room - a desk REDO

Okay - so this desk is ugly.  Oh, so ugly.  But, the lines were cool and it was definitely the right price at $8.  Score!

Before purchasing this desk I took a look at how I might be able to update it.  My favorite blog, Young House Love, has been inspiring me for years but I have rarely acted on it.

The two shelves on the desk are easily removable and the top had a very distinct line, so I figured I could tape it off and paint it.

First, I took the shelves out and spray painted them with a glossy black.  Then I taped off the feet and top and sprayed the rest of the desk with a metallic silver spray paint.  I used the whole can of metallic paint doing 3 even coats on the desk frame and I didn't really feel it was great coverage.  But, it looks pretty good from a distance - just room for improvement if I decide to do this again.

I had planned to buy chalkboard contact paper online and cut it to fit the desktop but I ran out of time to order it.  So, I purchased a can of chalkboard spray paint and taped off the rest of the desk.  This was after leaving the rest of the paint to dry for a day.  The chalkboard paint took about 3 light, even coats.

It's so fun to see Anna adopt this desk as her own.  I gave her a chalkboard marker to use and she quickly covered the desk in some of her favorite Bible verses.  I think her only complaint is that she wishes the desktop was much larger!  But, it fits her room great.

I went back a few days later and grabbed the matching chair.  I had originally passed it up because I thought it might be too ugly and I wouldn't be able to redo it.  But, I looked more closely and realized that the 60's plastic seat and back could be recovered (I hope), so I'll be attempting that in a few days.  Stay tuned!!

Note:  See the entire room transformation here!

A predictable child becomes a bit unpredictable

We have three daughters.

Two are crazy and one is not.  Well, wasn't.

Enter hormones, body changes, getting older.  Enter 10 1/2 years old.

Our sweet nearly 5th grader has always been so gentle, kindhearted and consistent.  She still wants to say "Don't let the bed bugs bite" and blow us a kiss every night.  But, at the end of 4th grade we started to see some major changes.  And this summer it has blown up much bigger.

She sometimes just breaks out bawling at the dinner table and runs to her room.  We all look around bewildered.  She will start yelling at her younger sister seemingly out of nowhere.  Outbursts, crying, confusion and more. And she does NOT back down from her older sister anymore.  (I'm kindof proud of her on that one.)

I have comforted her many times by re-assuring her that it is not really all her fault.  She is still that sweet girl inside, her brain and personality is just being strongly affected by all the physiological changes.  I can say this calmly because her older sister was way more Crazy (with a capital C).  All things seem easier the second time around.

Hang in there sweetheart and your patience and humility will be back pretty soon (we hope!).

Generally a very happy girl.

Whoa - my daughter is going GOTH!

Okay - that was me just a few months ago.

I'm not sure the difference between Goth & Emo but we were treading some lines here with our oldest daughter.

First day of 6th grade

She was very into beauty, princesses, fairies and dress-up during her elementary years.  We know she is creative and we have always encouraged her to express it.

Enter Middle School.  The first few weeks were filled with trendy clothes, trying to fit in, requests for athletic shorts (all the kids wear them Mom!) and pleas to wear makeup.

Then a few weeks after that all color disappeared.  We were informed that she was in her "black stage" and all colored clothes were moved out of her drawers and into a storage tub she found in her closet. (Other items in that tub were relocated in a heap to the corner of her closet - Mom cringed.)

Double pierced ears
were a Christmas present.

Feeling this was a phase, we tried to ignore it.  I did more laundry since she only had a handful of all black clothing.  She started spending all her spare money on black clothing.  She went to stay with Grandma and came back with a bright red streak in her hair.  She invested in black lace gloves, black shoes, black jewelry and even adamantly demanded black underwear!

This continued for months and months and all the way to the end of the year. People started to notice. Of course she always looked polished and put together.  Most of her black clothing was x-small women's clothes.  Clothes you might wear to work.  It was like pulling teeth to get her to wear jeans and a t-shirt.

She also began to withdraw more and more - I don't have many pictures of her since she didn't join a lot of our family activities.  She wanted to be included but at the same time just wanted to be left alone. (Can't say we are out of the woods on that one yet.)

Then came summer.  School let out and she decided to take a break from it all.

Analysis:  At this point I really think the black was just an escape from the overwhelming task of deciding what to wear and how to fit in.  It was infinitely easier to choose from a single color palette. And I think it was very important for us to not make a big deal out of it.  It never became an issue for us.  I didn't understand why she was doing it but it seemed to be essential for her to cope with middle school. And now, I am beyond thrilled to see her colorful self again!

So - let your pre-teen express themselves, let them push those boundaries a bit even if it doesn't make sense to you.  Even if you've always picked out their clothes.  Even if they used to explain everything to you.  They  may not even know why they are making these choices.  They are just trying to cope with not knowing who they are yet AND the choices they are making at this age are not necessarily indicative of who they are going to be in the future.

So pretty, creative and ready for 7th grade

Don't give up - lessons from my workout

Some days workouts bring out all kinds of emotions. I pushed through Piyo Core, but not without a few tears. 

It's so tempting to give up, to call it a day when workouts, life or kids are challenging.

I get even more discouraged as I realize how trivial my "challenges" are, and why in the world can't I just choose JOY?  Right, it's just not that easy.  I drift further and further into my pity pond, and can't quite make good choices.  And it all happens so quickly it seems.  One week is super fantabulous, and then the next is horrendous.

Yesterday I completely crashed.  I got slammed in the face with my failures, insecurities and shortcomings and I wasn't prepared.  I succumbed.  I hid in my room and instructed the children to parent themselves for the afternoon.  (They responded surprisingly well to that suggestion.)

Strangely enough, it was watching an episode of What Not to Wear that lifted my spirits, combined with an hour by myself while Matt took the girls out for dinner.  I watched someone else be transformed from a frumpy assistant with no confidence into someone who saw the beauty in herself.  It encouraged me to do the same.  But, on the inside.

So, here's to a new day.  A workout completed.  A grocery list done.  A quiet house for a few more hours.  Dinner planned and an unscheduled rest of the week.  

Blessings abound!

Teeth woes

So - new town means a lot of new things.  New roads to figure out, new friends to make, and new doctors to find.

I tend to put this off until we are all desperately ill and I will say that nothing has changed with this move.  Except for our teeth.  I decided to find a new dentist right away.  So even if we all come down with the flu or some other terrible illness, we'll have great teeth.  Right.

Anyways,  so I picked the closest dentist that took our insurance.  I figure they are all pretty much the same, right?  The office is schnazzy.  iPads, Xbox, PS3, snacks, etc.  I mean the kids were pretty amazed.  Plus you can watch TV while the dentist cleans your teeth.  All these things point to a quality dentist.  Or not.

How could teeth this cute have cavities?

My first clue should have been the "Cavity Wall".  This is a wall where all the kids without cavities get their picture posted.  There were 6 pictures.  That's it.  I will say the dentist has only been there around a year, but still.

So, at our appointment, we received the news that our kids have a total of 5 cavities.  All this was discovered without consulting a single X-ray.  I guess I'm old school but I feel that X-rays do have some value to a dentist.

So, you'll be happy to know that we are seeking a second opinion.  And I'm just sending him the X-rays.  Cuz that's where you see cavities.

Okay - I'm done.  Now off to find a family Dr. before we are in urgent care for something minor.

Getting a room settled

Well, of course, the kids are asking for their rooms to be setup.  So - Mom to the rescue.

I consider it a blessing to them that I love to arrange (and rearrange) furniture and it matters to me that their room reflects who they are.

I think a clean room encourages play and creativity more than a pile of clothes, a pile of toys and a continually stinky, unmake bed.

So - since Katherine's room was leaning towards the latter room I described, today was set aside to fix it up.

She has the biggest room of all 3 girls and after only having tiny rooms all these years, this was a bit challenging for me.

With this arrangement she has her bed and other furniture on one end.  I also hung up a blue painting that Matt painted several years back.  She will be so excited that her Daddy's picture is hanging in her room.  I also hung up a cute painting that was in my room when I was little.  I can't wait to show my Mom when she's here tomorrow!  The hardest part of her room was finding a cute way to arrange all her "stuff".  Some of it is cute and decorative and some of it is just scraps of paper.  Hopefully she'll appreciate it! (I know she will.  The look on the kids' faces is half the reason I do this!)

This is the other side of Katherine's room.  We didn't bring desks with us to this house and she was pretty heartbroken.  So - we found a way to make her storage cubes into a desk.  This looked like a war zone before I tackled it today.  Now she has some cute fairy pictures and a picture she made at school.  It's a drawing of herself and says "I like me!".  I thought that was perfect.  In addition she has some spaces for toys, decorations and all her "office supplies".  And it just looks so darn cute.

Help! My 6th grader wants to wear makeup.

I am hereby taking it on myself to give a little advice on the subject of young girls and makeup.

And I'm pretty sure it's not going to be what you expect.

First, a little background.  I was not allowed to wear makeup until I was 15.  Granted, I was a sophomore in high school by then.  I had been the one to sneak lipstick on a regular basis in junior high and even got caught at church wearing, wait for it, previously confiscated bright orange lipstick.  Did I think she wouldn't notice??  I still cringe remembering getting caught in the church lobby by my parents.

So, this year, our dear 11 year old begged and begged for makeup.  She already had quite a supply of lip glosses, Chapstick, sparkle powder, etc.  But, the claim was that it was old, run down and not of the right caliber for a blossoming young woman.  Okay - I added the blossoming young woman part, but the presentation of the case for makeup was pretty close to that.  At least the way I heard it.

So, as any conservative, raised the right way, kind of mother would do, I said NO.

No way.

No how.

I don't think so.

I got tears, screams, glares, the whole nine yards.

And I did falter a bit (not in front of her of course).

So, I brought it to Matt.  He's the Dad and should have some input here.  I'm pretty sure it was my Dad that said no makeup or earrings until I was in high school.  So, I thought getting some reinforcements on my side would really help strengthen my case.  Plus, he probably had an even better argument in my defense.  He is a philosopher/thinker/debater/generally smart guy.

He surprised me.  His argument was, well, let her wear some. Not a ton, but some. So, I took her to Walgreens and steered her towards the ever reasonably priced Wet N' Wild brand.  (Hello, makeup is expensive!)  I also made careful suggestions towards lighter colors and shades.  She ended up with a very sparkly light pink eyeshadow pencil, white eye shadow and 4 different shades of lip gloss.

Lesson learned:  By taking the fight out of it, I was able to have a great mother/daughter experience of picking out makeup in the appropriate tones, helping my daughter feel beautiful and just have fun looking at makeup.

Note: she does still have "dress up makeup" to wear just at home.  This was the case in the picture below.  The girls had a "fashion show" and this time they got a hold of the camera.  She's growing in a beautiful young woman, I just want to keep her close (and acting her age) as long as I can without actually pushing her away.

Now, this isn't the right choice for everyone.  But, if it really becomes a huge issue, consider how major you want it to be.  Teaching her to wear makeup correctly and to enhance her natural features is more important than her exact age or grade in school.

Break the silence already! How was Christmas?

What is it about writing that scares me silly?  I just can't start to write something without stressing out.  Will it be funny?  Will I be witty?  Will anyone even read it and do I care?

So - since Facebook is just a tad bit limiting, I feel I should do a Christmas summary here.

For those of you who stay at home for Christmas, you have no idea what our holidays are like.  For those of you who visit at least 4 different homes to celebrate Christmas, you are close to understanding.

We do this mainly because we just love our family. We feel both blessed and cursed that they all live so close together.  While it means that we can see everyone, it means that we need to see everyone!  We try to spend as much time as possible while still having a bit of time just to ourselves.  This year we spent 4 days driving (2 each way) and then 9 days in Colorado.  This time was split somewhat between Denver and Colorado Springs.  

It was a lovely visit.  The snow was beautiful and the family was so gracious.  We also enjoyed getting to see all the toddlers and babies that have shown up in the family over the last 2 years.  Now that our kids are past those years we feel we can really enjoy seeing our siblings with their little ones.  I can only imagine how the Grandparents handled having kids ages 2 to 11 to entertain and plan for!  And the noise...  I think we'll be bringing earplugs for all next year.

The kids traveled amazingly well on the road and we are prepping for a big, super fun, fight off the SAD, trip coming up in February!  Stay tuned...

Now - the pictures!

Making cookies at home.

Christmas at home!

Each night in Denver a different girl was in charge of setting the table.  This was a highlight of the trip for them and they loved it!

Crazy tacos in Denver.  (with Claire's table setting.)

Anna's table setting.

Making the noodles...

Chatting with Dad.

Let's make cake pops!

Christmas morning.

Stocking time!

Katherine's table setting.

Awesome.  Christmas in the Springs.

Grandma makes beautiful things.

Katherine's favorite face!  And her favorite present.

Our family rocks.  And cousins are a gift from God.